My Ex Wasn't This Kinky

Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015)

A Review By Ben Hunter

1½ Out Of 5 Stars

GET TO THE POINT BEN!

Some of the sex was interesting to watch and get a few ideas from, but there’s just no getting around a heavily clichéd story.

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SPANK!  She couldn’t believe what was taking place.  She couldn’t believe what she was doing.  She couldn’t believe anything.  It was all so surreal.  SPANK!  Lain across his knee, the man of her dreams, a man she couldn’t believe she was actually intimate with; her skirt upwards, her frailness exposed, her intricate delicacies that she’d worn solely for his eyes no longer in his focus and now at her knees, it was all so unorthodox she didn’t know whether to stop or continue and follow his lead into a place she knew nothing about.  SPANK!  All the emotions, the feelings, the images and thoughts flying through her mind on how to proceed with action … yet all she could do was smile and even giggle a little with each abrupt movement.  SPANK!  “Do I stand up and continue in a more traditional manner?”  “Should I tell him to leave?”  “But this does feel kind of nice even though it is different.”  “What will he think of me after this?”  SPANK!  So tantalizing, so aberrantly romantic, so alluringly suspenseful, eroticism brought to light in a digestible manner for the commonality of today. 

To be disposed of the agenda of the successful business model, to be the figure of accomplishment.  Yet a man of mystery and intrigue behind all the statue or portrayal of leadership at such a young age, suspense and tension that builds in the hearts of women everywhere who know his name, because they want to know the aphrodisiac … Christian Grey ... to discover all of his multiple shades!

Yet we follow Anastasia “Ana” Steele as an aberrant turn of events unfold in her romantic experiences with Mr. Grey.  Based on British author E.L. Jay’s novel of the same name, the film explores the world of a sadomasochistic relationship between the two and how romantic expectations get pushed to the side to become replaced with lustful desire for sexual fulfillment.  Thus breaking Ana’s heart, who wants a more romantic commitment from Christian, and she becomes confused in all of her pain as a girl, virginal and pure, just wanting to be properly loved. 

Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) caught in an entanglement figuratively, emotionally, ... and quite literally.

Jamie Dornan (Grey) is extremely terrible as an actor.  Yes, this story is quite anemic, but even the most brilliantly written script can be completely destroyed and loose all of its power from poor delivery by its actors.  I realized that Dornan’s performance was a major reason why this movie came off as “cliché” or “cheesy”.  Grey & Ana have an argument, like all couples do, and this is their first major one, but there’s no love behind the words on his end.  The kind of feeling you get when you know the emotion behind the surface anger is love.  “I love you which is why I’m upset with you because I just want what’s best for you and for us.”  Nothing like that, it’s Dornan reading his lines and not becoming Christian Grey.  The two girls in front of me in the theater who were giggling all along actually got up and exited at the same point I wanted to exit, right after this scene.  I then realized they were laughing AT this story and not along with it all this time.  There's a reason Ryan Gosling, Charlie Hunnam, amongst a handful of other actors passed on this project.  Oh and what in the world does Christian Grey do anyways for a living?  The book makes this clear but the movie solely focused on the sex.  

Dakota Johnson (Ana) is the only thing that makes this film worth viewing.  If it were two terrible actors playing out scenes of a poorly written script, I’d tell you to not even waste your time with a Netflix stream one Friday night on the couch.  This film will definitely help her and hinder him as she acted circles around him.  I’ve always known her as a great actress just needing that big break to help us all to realize her potential.  Her tiny scene in The Social Network (2010) informed me of such.  I completely was relayed the message of a girl wrapped in emotions of an unfamiliar situation in this story and it was astonishing to look at her beautiful body, which I’m sure she worked and overworked herself to maintain. 

But again, a poorly written story though tells us she’s virginal and pure, Dakota Johnson doesn’t look virginal.  Maybe still trying to get her feet wet, but definitely not “owe this hurts too much” as the sex in this film clearly avoided and was just “movie sex”.  Her first time was smooth and easy as he led the way.  Okay, I’ll buy that, but the whole “virginal and pure” aspect didn’t help this narrative to push the boundaries of belief and wonder as all great stories do and make me consider inserting my own safe words and contemplate my experience.  “My ex-boyfriend wasn’t this kinky”, would’ve strengthened this story so much more!

Mr. Grey (Jamie Dornan) will see you now.

But still, the sex was a bit provocative and engaging.  I picked up a few tips.  I didn't go into this experience expecting much.  I made it as far as I could stand into the book.  So from that perspective, I could have some kind of enjoyable experience.  This will make heaps of box office revenue, a sequel is already in the works for NEXT YEAR, and women everywhere will giggle along with it as clothes dismantle, body parts expose, and emotions trigger to cheekily relay an erotic love tale to laugh about amongst their girlfriends at the water cooler at the office or over cosmopolitans on girls’ night.  Whether such giggles are for or against, whether the talks are pro or con, people will watch this new series of romantic films (so far it's Twilight 1 50 Shades 0).  The teens had their turn, and now it’s time for the slightly older and beyond’s turn. 

They will spend their money and they will have a memorable time at the movies!

... But yeah, my ex was almost this kinky.  

Fifty Shades of Grey

Romance, 125 Minutes, R

Based on the Novel by: E.L. Jay

Screenplay by: Kelly Marcel

Directed by: Sam-Taylor Johnson

Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Luke Grimes, Victor Rasuk, Rita Ora, Andrew Airlie, & Marcia Gay Harden